


Through Blood and Tears

by DoctorsOrders



Category: Star Trek, Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Academy Era, Aftercare, Alpha Leonard "Bones" McCoy, Alpha/Beta/Omega Dynamics, Alpha/Omega, Anal Sex, Biting, Blood, Come Inflation, Dark-ish, Dubious Consent, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Established Relationship, Fuck Or Die, Hurt/Comfort, Implied Mpreg, Knotting, Loss of Control, M/M, Marathon Sex, Marking, Mind/Mood Altering Substances, Miscarriage, Omega James T. Kirk, Omega Verse, Possessive Behavior, Rape/Non-con Elements, Rut, Scenting, Trauma, Uninformed Consent, Violence, Violent Sex, but like hormones not drugs
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-21
Updated: 2020-05-21
Packaged: 2021-03-02 21:01:20
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,391
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24283279
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DoctorsOrders/pseuds/DoctorsOrders
Summary: With Leonard in the throes of rut, Jim must deal with his Alpha's needs even though he hardly seems like his Bones.
Relationships: James T. Kirk/Leonard "Bones" McCoy
Comments: 19
Kudos: 187





	Through Blood and Tears

**Author's Note:**

> This is...darker than I'd expected, which I realized when I went to tag it. All tags and warnings are for Jim/Bones.  
> This is the first time I've truly crossed the non-con line with this pairing. If you've got doubts, maybe don't read it? Leonard isn't in his right mind. There is aftercare but...proceed with caution please?

Leonard snarled as they made their way across campus. Irrationally angry at every Alpha’s scent he caught on the wind. He had Jim pulled tight against him and everything was a little fuzzy around the edges. He wished they weren’t going to Medical. He wanted everyone besides Jim to be gone, or better yet, he wanted to knock Jim to ground. To get on top of him as fast as possible, bite his neck and put him on display. He wanted everyone to see Jim was his omega. His mate. _His_.

Which was exactly why they needed to go to Medical in the first place. This was not normal, and Leonard felt wild.

“Ow! Jesus, what has gotten into you?”

Leonard did his very best tor relax his grip on Jim’s waist, but didn’t let him move away. “Don’t look at her! You’re mine,” he snapped as another Alpha passed them.

“ _Bones_ , chill the fuck out. I know. I’m not looking at anyone else. I’ve got your teeth-print on my neck and I’m pretty sure everyone we’re together.”

“That’s not good enough.” Leonard’s head was pounding he wanted to rip Jim to pieces. No…that wasn’t right. What _did_ he want? He wanted Jim. He wanted his omega to submit to him right then. He wanted him so badly.

“Oh should we fuck on the lawn or something?” Jim joked.

“…can we?” Leonard growled in a voice that wasn’t entirely his own.

“What?!” Jim said looking at him with alarm, “no! Fuck, I’m not _that_ much of an exhibitionist.”

Leonard let out a low warning sound at another Alpha who passed too close. “Shame.”

“You’re kind of freaking me out,” Jim admitted, half pulling Leonard towards the building’s large doors.

That sent a wave of guilt through him, and with it a bit of control. He never wanted Jim feel uncomfortable with him. What the fuck was happening?

—

“For lack of a better term Dr. McCoy, you’re in rut.”

“Rut? I didn’t… _fuck,_ ” Leonard found he was having difficulty forming sentences, his brain was a cacophony of thoughts and urges that fought, volume growing to deafening levels. He hadn’t even thought about that word in years. “Hasn’t that been evolved out yet?”

“Alpha pregnancies are notoriously difficult, this is one of the reason they’re not suggested. It’s encoded in Alpha DNA, the domineering tendencies kick in, instead of the nurturing ones that would result from an Omega pregnancy. The same is true in this case. I’ll write you and your mate medical leave for the next two days.”

“What case?” Leonard said, feeling like he’d been hit with a freight train, “are you saying I’m pregnant?”

The doctor studied him for a long moment, her face not quite falling so much as brimming with regret. “Not anymore. I’m sorry…I thought that was why you’d come in today.”

He wanted to scream. He had so many questions. He wanted Jim. Why wasn’t Jim here? He’d been carrying? They hadn’t even been trying for fuck’s sake. It was so unlikely it didn’t even seem real, and yet the loss still hit him somewhere deep in his gut.

“A miscarriage?” Leonard asked, even though the answer was obvious.

  
“Again, I’m truly sorry.”

Leonard grit his teeth and tried to keep his brain on steady course, “could I…ride it out alone? The rut I mean.” He should have asked that first. Should keep Jim out of this entirely— _fuck_ he wanted Jim. Even a marked omega could survive heat alone if came to that.

  
The doctor gave him another hard look. “Legally? No. You’re mated. It would be the same as forcing him to deal with a heat unaccompanied because you simply couldn’t be bothered. There could be a case for negligence on your omega’s part if he left you because you’re in rut.”

He nodded, swallowing a biting response instead he opted for civility, “but I _could?_ ”

“Medically, you’d probably survive, although I’d consider it extremely high risk, especially since you’re bonded. You’d likely hurt yourself trying to get to your omega, and possibly others in the process. You’d suffer lasting emotional trauma if you’re separated.”

“So your professional opinion is ‘no,’” Leonard said, growing irritated. He’d known that already. Somewhere in the back of his mind a long forgotten class about rut pinged in his memory.

“I cannot in good conscious recommend you dealing with this alone.”

“It won’t…” Leonard mind struggled, his body ached for Jim, he could smell him from outside the room. He could rip down the door. Actually fuck the door, he could rip down the wall. They’d deal with this later, he couldn’t even feel a full range of emotions to process it now. “It won’t affect Jim’s heat leave later in the month?”

“No, Dr. McCoy, of course not.”

Jesus, he couldn’t think about anything besides how hard he was, but this was so important. “If I’m really going to be in rut…can we, _fuck_ I don’t know, give him something?”

“Something?” The doctor glanced at him not quite understanding.

“I want to rip him to pieces,” Leonard blurted, as he scrubbed his hand across his face. He didn’t know how else to say it, he felt so overrun by his biology, “but I don’t want to hurt him.”

She frowned. “You’re going to hurt him.”

“ _What?_ ”

“Excuse my bluntness but you _will_ hurt him. You won’t be yourself.”

“Shut up,” Leonard growled. The pit forming in his stomach knew she was right, but he didn’t want to hear it. Didn’t want a doctor telling him what he already knew.

_I won’t_ , Leonard chanted over and over to himself, _I won’t hurt Jim_.

“Can’t you give him something so it’ll hurt less?” Leonard asked, resigned.

“Ah…” she said, finally understanding. “Have you heard of Glistern?”

Leonard fought down the urge to hurl himself through the wall to get closer to Jim. “Maybe, yeah—it’s still in testing, right?”

“Technically. It’s completely safe, they just haven’t been able to curb how long the effects last so it’s not on the market. Your mate can have a dose, but I can’t guarantee its effects won’t last until next week.”

None of that mattered, Leonard wanted Jim as wet as possible, and he wanted him now. “Ask him, but please, for the love of god, make sure he understands what this will be like.”

“That’s very considerate of you, not all Alphas would care.”

“I have no intentions of hurting my _mate,_ ” he repeated. Leonard has to stop himself from lashing out further at her. Anyone with half a heart would care. He could already tell this was going to be a nightmare for both of them.

Rut…

Shit.

Full blown Alpha rut was violent and no omega should be expected to handle it without some kind of assistance. It was savage. Leonard prayed to whomever might be listening that he didn’t hurt Jim too badly because the truth was, he _was_ going to hurt Jim once the animal part of his brain took over.

“I should have guessed.” She cocked her head as she looked at him, “I see you let him mark you as well, that’s quite progressive.”

“Treating him equally is not progressive,” he said brusquely. Leonard was nearing the end of his control, he felt like he was losing his grasp on anything resembling normal behavior. He _hated_ feeling out of control.

The doctor nodded at him as she made her way to the door clearly tired. He knew that look, Leonard had worn it so many times himself.

“Fuck, please ask him about the Glistern now so I can get out of here,” Leonard begged.

“I wouldn’t think you’d be quite so eager to get out of a hospital, doctor.”

Her attempt at humor fell flat at Leonard’s feet. “You’re a beta, you wouldn’t understand.”

“No, I suppose I wouldn’t, but all this is making me exceedingly glad that’s the case.”

—

“I’m not sure I understand. I mean, why is this happening?”

The doctor looked at the wall, just past Jim’s ear instead of answering. “Your Alpha miscarried. He didn’t seem to know he’d been pregnant at all, so I can assume you weren’t trying.”

Jim’s face went white as his mouth hung open. They hadn’t been. They were both on birth control, weren’t they? And Bones had…he’d been…and now he wasn’t. Jim’s head hurt.

“I do wish there was a kinder way to say this. I'm sure it would be easier to hear as a couple, but considering the circumstances, it’s better the two of you remain separated until you’re both prepared. Now if you’re agreeable, I can administer the Glistern, and you’ll be free to go.”

Jim nodded, still reeling.

He hated that he felt a tinge of embarrassment at this doctor knowing Bones had bottomed for him. Why was the idea still taboo? Why did it matter that he'd fucked his Alpha? Was it this? Was it frowned upon because of what could happen? Rut. Poor Bones. They’d never talked about kids. Certainly never talked about Bones carrying. _Everyone_ knew Alpha pregnancies were dangerous. Even so, Jim couldn’t remember ever hearing about someone he knew going through rut, he’d always just sort of assumed it was an overblown porn category. Not real. Not something that would happen to Bones. Jim shivered.

“This is gonna do _what_ exactly?” Jim asked when she came back with a hypo.

“It’s for people who don’t produce enough lubrication. Mostly its intended use is Alphas, since it’s becoming more and more common for homo-dynamic mating, but since your Alpha is going into rut he wanted you to be more comfortable.”

“So it’s gonna make me wet?”

“In simple terms, yes. It will also keep your muscles relaxed, like you’d be during heat. Now, this _is_ in testing, which I told Doctor McCoy, so I can’t say exactly how long it’ll stimulate your lubrication glands, it could be as much as seven days.”

Jim exhaled contented, that wasn’t so bad. Part of him almost wanted it to last a week.

“—prepared for what’s going to happen.”

“Sorry, what?” Jim asked, snapping out of his thoughts.

She sighed and repeated herself. “I don’t know how much education there is about the specifics of rut, but I want you to be prepared for what’s going to happen.”

“I mean…he’ll want to fuck me. Like heat but for an Alpha, right?”

“Well, _yes_ , but it’s not just that. I can’t say how long it will last since it’s so uncommon these days. He probably won’t let you out of his sight. Alphas in rut are extremely possessive, they don’t always act like themselves. You should expect it to be rough—to say the very least. Keep a hypospray or two of painkiller on hand. Remember, you can call the Emergency line if it seems like he’s getting unreasonably violent.”

Unreasonably violent. He didn’t like the way that sounded.

“He’s not like that,” Jim said softly.

The doctor looked at him hesitantly, like she was trying to make what Jim was saying true. “Don’t underestimate biological urges.”

—

“Take off your clothes,” Leonard said, already pulling off Jim’s shirt. The door had barely shut but it had taken all his remaining self control not to make Jim strip on the way back to the apartment.

“Buy me dinner first,” Jim said under his breath while he unbuttoned his pants.

Jim’s scent was overwhelming. Everywhere. It caught in Leonard’s throat and crept into every sinew of his body. He bit into the mark of Jim’s neck as he yanked the shirt over his head.

“Fuck!” Jim cried.

He jerked against Leonard. The good and rational part of his brain wanted to apologize, wanted to stop, because that was too much. He’d broken the skin as foreplay, which…wasn’t cool. Instead he kept his teeth in place for a minute too long as he lapped at the blood and oil sluicing down Jim’s collarbone. The taste of blood on his tongue soothed him, or at least, the animal part of him. Leonard's consciousness took a backseat as the rut consumed his mind. His omega smelled so good, the broken scent gland spreading the smell everywhere, all over him and his omega. So good, all for him. 

—

_Rough_ might have been the understatement of the century.

Bones was an absolute animal, and not in a sexy way. Jim didn’t think he could remember a time in his entire life when he’d been so sore and tired. His heat was going to seem like a casual stroll compared to this. Bones hadn’t let him up in hours, and god, he was only half there, lust and possession clouding his judgement. He was honestly—and Jim wasn’t sure if he’d admit it later—a little terrifying.

Jim was unbelievably grateful for the slick dripping between his thighs, so much more than normal, the friction between them only easing when Bones’ knot would swell. And even then…Bones had fucked Jim while his knot was still firmly tied, the hot bulge of it straining inside Jim’s stretched hole. Bones rocked the free inch of his cock in and out as well as he could manage driving the knot deeper into Jim’s tight body. Still plugging him up, Bones had come again, the hot seed pumping into Jim even thicker than before.Over and over, Bones pounding into him as Jim gasped into the mattress.

Under normal circumstances, it would be hot; Jim liked it rough. He loved Bones’ knot, loved how it filled him. Normally he liked it when Bones would fuck him through an orgasm, but this was too much. It had to be the fourth time by now and Jim was sore in a way he didn’t know he could be. Bones was unrelenting. No sweet encouraging phrases, no warm grin, no soft kisses juxtaposing the dominance. Bones was all growls and teeth and want and Jim wasn’t sure he’d stop if he begged. He couldn’t think about that, just had to get through this with his poor mate.

He swore Bones’ knot was getting bigger with each round, or maybe he was just so fucked out it felt that way. He was too full, verging on the point of discomfort. His stomach was beginning to swell in a way it hadn’t since they’d first bonded. Bones barely gave him time to sit up before he was hard again, let alone time to get out of the bed.

“Mine omega,” Bones breathed hotly against his ear, “You are _mine_.”

“Yes,” Jim agreed promised again, his voice small, “I’m yours.”

It was selfish to complain about this. Jim’s heat was a lot to deal with. He needed so much attention and reassurance, he knew it was exhausting. And Jim certainly couldn’t blame Bones for this when he’d fucking miscarried. It wasn’t his fault. but _fuck_ , he was grateful this wouldn’t be a regular thing. How had his ancestors made it though this shit? He didn’t want it to be like this all the time. He wouldn’t survive if sex was always like this. Rut was scary.

“Slower, please Bones… _please_ just a little slower.” Jim begged, clenching around Bones in hopes it would calm the thrusting.

Mercifully it seemed to get through on some level. Bones bit into the meaty chunk of Jim’s shoulder, sucking hard enough to leave a bruise, but his movements did slow. Jim wondered how many imprints of Bones’ teeth he’d see on his body when this was all over. He’d always like his claiming mark, but this was excessive.

—

“Omega,” Bones growled behind him, his voice caked with grit and exhaustion.

Jim gasped, as Bones squeezed his nipple, “What is it?”

“You’re so good…” He seemed to be struggling to get the words out, “I’m…sorry.”

Bones was still in there, fighting the hormonal haze, apologizing. Jim could do this for his Alpha, he wanted to. He _could_. “It’s okay, I’m alright.”

“So…sorry,” he breathed again before dropping off to sleep.

Jim took the opportunity to slide out of the bed. His legs were wobbly, and his stomach ached. He was only able to take a few steps before he felt the steady trickle of Bones’ seed running down his legs. He felt like he might be sick, barely making it to the toilet as both bile and cum came up.

It was disgusting and somehow a little satisfying. His animal brain swelled with pride. He hurt everywhere, but he didn’t hate that he felt utterly _owned_. His baser instincts liked being held down and made to take whatever his Alpha decided he deserved. Jim’s stomach flipped at the thought and he puked again. He gagged at the sour taste that coated his tongue. He felt awful. Sticky and tired and sore, he just wanted to curl up in the bath and then take a long nap, but he wouldn’t, not until the goddamn rut had run its sadistic course.

Instead he managed his way to the refrigerator and downed as much of a nutri-shake as he could handle, hoping his body would forgive the substitution for food. A constant stream of thick lubrication mixed with the milky pearl of Bones’ excessive cum as it leaked from his body on his way back to the bed. Jim surveyed it grimly, the sheets, and probably the mattress too, were a lost cause. He picked up one of the pain hypos he’d begrudgingly taken at Medical, now regretting not having taken a few more, and held it to his neck. It hissed and Jim’s tense shoulders dropped just a bit as the pain went from all encompassing to manageable.

Bones growled from the mess of blankets, his hand groping blindly for Jim.

“I’m here, Alpha,” he whispered, his voice raw, “I’m here.” Jim forced himself to climb back into the mess and let Bones pull him close. For a second it was almost sweet, and then Bones was holding him down and pushing his cock back inside Jim as though it was his only purpose.

—

To say it didn’t feel good anymore was to trivialize the experience. Everything hurt. His thighs were chaffed, his muscles burning with soreness, and his hole felt raw. It didn’t matter that his body was still making more slick than he’d ever produced before, aided by the Glistern, no doubt. It _was_ better than the horrifying prospect of not being wet enough since he wasn’t aroused, that would have been unbearable. Bones was enormous and unrelenting and Jim’s body wasn’t supplying him with the helpful pheromones and adrenaline that numbed his pain during heat. His pitiful body. He was overtaxed and confused.

Jim let out a pained sob at the catch of Bones’ knot on his sore rim. Bones’ fingers laced with his, and Jim heard him whisper hoarsely, “Does it hurt, omega?”

Jim shook his head. “It’s o-okay,” the last sound came out as a cry.

“It’s not…” Bones struggled. “It’s _not_ ,” he seemed to tell himself more than Jim.

“I’ll b-be f-f-fine, I c-can take it,” Jim insisted, despite the tears burning at his eyes. He reached over, fumbling for the hypo on the nightstand. Jim held it to his neck and pushed the button, letting the painkiller spread through him. It was the last one. He wished he had about six more. He wished he’d asked for something stronger.

“…mine,” Bones murmured before thrusting his knot inside Jim, deep and pulsing.

Jim let out a broken sob, tears welling over. He took shallow, pained breaths and Bones’ cum filled him. The hypo helped marginally, dulling the pain from a twelve to a ten, better but still agonizing. Jim could only do this because it was Bones, because he knew how much his Alpha loved him. How gentle he would be when he was back to himself. He knew that Bones’ loss of control would haunt him after this, and in that moment, Jim took some comfort in that.

“Shhhhh,” Jim managed, the tears mucking his words, “I’m alright.”

“Jim…” Bones whispered.

It was the first time Bones had called him something beside omega in almost thirty six hours. So much regret infused in just his name, he could tell how sorry Bones was and Jim loved him so fiercely that he decided he’d let his Alpha break him even if it meant there was nothing left of him in the end.

—

The tears were dry streaks on his face as Bones used him for what had to be the third time just that hour. His knot was inside Jim again, fat and throbbing. It pushing deeper, to Jim’s breaking point, only to be pulled flush against his hole as Bones fucked him while they were tied.

For what had to be the hundredth time, Jim played out how an emergency call would go and for the hundredth time he shot it down. He wasn’t in mortal danger, he wasn’t going to die just because he was so sore he didn’t think he’d be able to move for a week. Bones hadn’t gotten violent to the point of breaking a limb, or bashing his head into a wall. Really there wasn’t anything emergency could do for him he was just absolutely _fucking miserable_ and when it came right down to it, miserable wasn’t something the emergency line was equipped to handle.

Jim couldn’t talk, he just replayed the image in his head of Bones kissing him softly in the mornings, of Bones holding him so tenderly when his heat broke that Jim finally felt at peace. Whatever was happening to him now, it wasn’t his Bones, he couldn’t let it be.

He felt the sharp prick of teeth on his neck, not over the claiming mark, and he moaned in pain as they sank in. There were so many sets of bloody teeth-prints adorning his neck and shoulders he looked like a broken plaything. Hopefully when this was over the dermal regenerator could smooth him back out.

“You’re hurting me,” Jim whispered. He couldn’t take it, just couldn’t keep doing this, couldn’t pretend this was alright. His voice sounded so loud in the silence. “Bones,” he begged, “ _please_.”

There was no discernible response from his Alpha except, perhaps, the minimal slowing of his thrusts. That was something. Maybe somewhere in there, Bones could hear him, could fight the animal possessing him.

Jim’s stomach flipped in the way he knew meant he was going to throw up again. He clawed his way the few inches to the edge of the mattress so he could lean over. The remnants of the nutri-shake mixed with more cum heaved from his stomach all over the floor. Jim was just glad he wouldn't’ have to lay in his own sick.

Bones growled, pulling him back so Jim was flush against him. Instead of trying to pull away, which Jim knew as an absolutely futile task, he reached blindly for Bones’ hand, lacing their fingers together. It was almost over. It _had_ to be almost over. Jim had to believe it was almost over.

—

Leonard blinked unevenly as he took in the sorry state of the room. It stunk of pheromones and sweat and sex. It looked like they’d been robbed. Clothes and linens flung everywhere. Several empty hypos and bottles littering the floor. The still—but clearly awake—form of his mate on the wreckage of the bed next to him. His mind was lucid for the first time in days. What the fuck had he done?

“Darlin’?” Leonard asked, his voice thick with exhaustion that claimed his whole body.

Jim rolled over to face him, making a small sound of pain as he did. His eyes were so large it would have been comical if the look hadn’t been one of apprehensive fear. There was a hesitancy as he searched Leonard’s face before his face crumpled into tears.

“It’s y-y-you,” Jim sputtered, the last word turning into a sob.

Guilt speared his heart, and he fought back the lump in his throat. Leonard knew what he’d been like. It came back in waves. He’d been forced to watch through is own eyes as all control left him and and he’d become a snarling monster. Jim clung to him now, shoulders heaving as he cried and Leonard could do nothing but stroke his sweat-matted hair.

“I’m so sorry,” he whispered over and over, “I’m so goddamned sorry.”

Jim said nothing, didn’t even acknowledge Leonard for close to an hour. When the body shaking sobs subsided he just stayed curled quietly against Leonard’s chest.

He hated himself. He hated so much that he had done this to Jim. Rut had been like a haze over him, pushing what Leonard always thought of as ‘himself’ down, making him take a backseat in his own body. But now that it was over the haze had gone and he had to contend with what he’d done. He hated to see Jim hurt like this.

Leonard just wanted to fix it. What he wouldn’t give for a do-over. Not that it would be any different, there had been no controlling himself. Legality be damned, he should have insisted, should have locked himself away. Any trauma he suffered would have been far preferable to putting Jim through all this. He was going to write a memo to the medical community, was going to start a petition to get the laws changed. There had to be something he could do because what had just happened had been a horrible ordeal.

“It’s not your fault,” Jim said finally, his words stuffy with congestion.

The pit in Leonard’s stomach opened deeper and threatened to swallow him whole. “ _Like_ _hell_ it’s not.”

“I don’t blame you.”

“You should. I blame me. Jim I—”

“That wasn’t _you,_ ” Jim insisted, his voice small and ragged. “I need you to tell me that wasn’t you.”

It had been, but Leonard wouldn’t argue. It was clear Jim needed to compartmentalize what had happened from who Leonard was. Which was fine. Except he couldn’t help feeling like he’d hurt Jim in a way he didn’t know if he could fix.

“It wasn’t me,” he said, feeling like his heart had been ripped in half.

Jim made a noise that he muffled against the mattress.

“Are you crying, darlin’?”

“Yes.”

“Can I do anything?”

“…please don’t talk to me right now.”

The words hurt like a physical blow. Leonard briefly considered leaving the room, but Jim hadn’t told him to go, and maybe that would make it all worse? He didn’t have to talk to scan him. It was better than nothing. He looked at Jim, really looked at him. Dried blood flaking his skin, overlapping teeth-prints, bruises in the shapes of Leonard’s fingers all up his arms. His lips were chapped and split, his eyes ringed darkly around as he stared blankly at the wall. Jim looked awful, and Leonard was sure he felt worse.

He surveyed the floor until he found a pair of joggers to put on before getting his med kit from the closet. Leonard pulled out the tricorder before sitting gingerly on the bed and hovering it above Jim. It hummed softly taking in Jim’s vitals.

It didn’t look like he’d done any lasting physical damage, thank god, mostly bruising and overused muscles. Jim was dehydrated and he needed to sleep badly. The readout confirmed he had a headache, and some micro-tears in his soft tissue. Leonard found the small dermal regenerator, hesitating before starting it up. He was sure Jim would want this fixed…wouldn’t he? He laid a hand on Jim’s shoulder, waiting for a protest or a flinch, but received none. He fixed the bite marks—god, there were so many, had Leonard really been this rough?—before moving on to the bruises. Jim let Leonard move him wincing as he laid him on his back. He left the claiming mark, even though it too was a bloody mess, it seemed wrong to touch that now. He kissed Jim’s fingers after healing the cuts in his palms where his nails had dug in. Jim’s eyes were closed and Leonard didn’t dare speak. It took too long for Leonard to realize there was blood under his own nails, drawn from Jim’s skin in long, terrible scratches all over his mate. He regenerated the split lip and all of the visible bruising he could find. Leonard was sure there was more, but they’d need a larger unit to get to anything that hadn’t already bloomed to the surface. He wanted to address Jim’s clearly abused ass, but it felt like a violation, especially with the silence.

He picked Jim up and brought him to the bathtub. It wasn’t really big enough for him, but Jim lay limply, his limbs sprawled like he couldn’t be bothered to keep himself together. When Leonard turned on the tap Jim gasped, eyes cracking open. He looked around the bathroom frantically, as he hadn’t realized where Leonard had brought him. He left him while the tub filled, just long enough to get a water bottle, a straw, and the electrolyte powder they had in the cupboard—mango flavored—Leonard dumped two of them in the bottle, mixing it with the straw. He watched the fretful worry lines fade off Jim’s face when he returned, and Leonard took the small victory.

—

Bones had cleaned him up. Washed everything from his hair all the way down to his toes. Had let him soak in the bath while he knelt on the floor, chin on the wall of the tub, holding Jim’s hand for what had felt like an hour. He’d looked forlorn as he watched Jim, it was so clear he wanted to say something, but was respecting Jim’s wishes for silence.

He finished off the drink, his headache was finally starting to fade, but now that he’d had a liquid he wanted about thirteen more. His stomach churned in protest, and Jim was hesitant to try to keep anything else down. The last thing we wanted was to throw up. Jim was still wet, making slick at an annoying rate, but he put on soft sweatpants and one of Bones’ old t-shirts anyway. He sat on the couch, hoping they wouldn’t have to get it cleaned after this. He just couldn’t go back to the bedroom. Not now.

“Hold me?” Jim asked.

Bones moved toward him, sitting next to him with uncertainty. Jim laid his head on Bones’ shoulder and let him wrap his arms around.

He sighed. “I’m okay. Can we just…go back to…to before?”

“I hope so. I understand if you need some time to forgive me, or if you can’t…” Bones trailed miserably.

“Don’t do that.” Jim picked his head up, felt Bones arms loosen. He pulled his feet up on the couch and twisted so he was facing him. Every movement still ached. He lookedat Bones, placing his hand on his thigh. “Are you okay? We didn’t get to talk about…what caused it.”

  
Bones huffed out a humorless laugh. “I’m fine, darlin'. I didn’t even know I’d been pregnant. Not even sure how it happened."

“I didn’t know it was going to be like that,” Jim said finally, looking away. He didn’t want to see anything in Bones eyes. “Did you?”

“No, I didn’t know it would be that bad.”

Tears pricked at the corners of his eyes again, but he bit them back. He didn’t want to cry again. “You…it…really did hurt me.”

“I know I did darlin’. I’m so sorry.”

“You have to finish fixing me before my heat.”

“If you need to have someone else take care of you during your heat—”

A panicked rage took hold of Jim’s stomach. “No! Don’t you _fucking_ _dare!_ I don’t want someone else! That’s not even fucking fair of you to say, how could—”

Bones grabbed his hand, pulling it to his chest. “Okay, _okay_ , it was just an offer.”

“Well take it the fuck back,” Jim said, his lip quivering. The idea that anyone else could replace Bones, that he’d want _anyone_ else there during his heat. No. That was too much. He wouldn’t let Bones take that away from him.

“I will take care of you during your heat.”

Jim nodded curtly.

“I need to use the ReGen wand, to finish fixing you,” Bones said quietly.

“…can you numb me first?”

“Sure, darlin’.”

They sat in silence for a bit longer. Bones didn’t move to get the wand. Jim not wanting to jostle himself anymore than was necessary. Finally, he let himself voice the thought that wouldn’t stop racing through his mind.

“I want someone to be mad at. It would be easier if there was someone to blame.”

“You can be mad at me, it’s okay.”

Jim shook his head. “I don’t want to be mad at you.”

He couldn’t be mad at Bones. The Alpha that had gone through rut could _not_ be his Alpha. Jim couldn’t let it be. It would hurt too much, maybe forever. Jim didn’t want to hurt like that, didn’t want _Bones_ to have hurt him like that. He needed to scream, to put his fist through a wall, to go out a pick a fight that would end with blood. He hated biology, he hated their baser instincts, the fucking classing that ruled them. It wan’t fair.

“Can we get a hotel? I can’t sleep here until,” he looked apprehensively towards the room, “it’s cleaned up.”

“Of course, whatever you want.”

“Fix me first.”

—

Jim’s hole was red and puffy, slick and cum still leaking out. All from the crack down into his thighs was chapped something terrible. Leonard pressed a hypospray to his ass cheek and it hissed with release.

“Hate how that feels,” Jim said as the numbing agent spread through his lower half.

“Should I wait until later?”

“No.”

Leonard lubed up the ReGen wand, even though he was fairly positive Jim was so wet it wouldn’t matter. “I’ll put the wand in now, if that’s alright.”

Jim let out a long, controlled breath. “Okay.”

Holding him open, Leonard slid the wand in. Jim let out a grunt of discomfort. He paused, moving his hand to Jim’s back while he let him breath and the pushed the wand in deeper. Jim made another noise of displeasure.

“Stop?” Leonard asked softly.

“I just feel really raw,” Jim said his voice cracking. “Just get it in so you can turn it on.”

“Good job, darlin’,” Leonard encouraged, sliding the wand in the rest of the way. Jim’s fists gripped the couch cushion. Leonard could tell he was holding his breath.

“Now I’m gonna turn it on.” He paused before pushing the button on the cord.

Jim jumped as the unit activated. Leonard knew it didn’t hurt, just felt like a soft hum. Jim’s fist relaxed as he sagged into the couch.

“Fifteen minutes and you’ll be all fixed.”

Jim made a throaty noise of agreement.

Leonard took the dermal regenerator and passed it over the chapped surfaces, he watched as the skin regrew to its regular texture and color. He knew he could erase every hurt Jim had, all physical evidence wiped away with his tools, and he hoped to god it would be enough. He couldn’t help wondering what the next time they had sex would be like. Jim’s heat was due to break in the next two weeks and Leonard truly couldn’t imagine what it would be like. Maybe he’d be so high on pheromones it would be alright. Leonard would control himself, but he just prayed Jim wouldn’t break down mid-heat. Maybe he could take a suppressant, just for this month. The side effects might be worth it after what they’d both been through.

He hoped Jim would talk to someone, hell he hoped they’d _both_ go to a counselor about it, preferably together, but as long as they went. He had plenty of self-hatred about what had happened, how could his body have made him act like that? How was he supposed to trust himself after this? Surely, they weren’t the first pair to have gone through this, there had to be someone qualified to help them. He’d ask about being sterilized, that would be better for both of them, wouldn’t it? Leonard hoped one day Jim would be able to trust him again. That one day Leonard would be able to forgive himself for what he’d done. 

The wand beeped, signaling the end of the cycle and Leonard blinked back to reality.

“I’m going to take it out now, alright? Shouldn’t hurt at all,” Leonard said. He eased it out cautiously, waiting to take any of Jim’s cues that something was wrong. Nothing _should_ be wrong since the wand should have healed the soreness and the tearing, but Leonard was hyper concerned.

“All done,” he said, stroking his hand along Jim’s back.

Jim sat up, wiping conspicuously at the tear tracks on his cheeks. “I want you to hold me and tell me it’s okay, and promise me that’ll never fucking happen again,” he said, finally meeting Leonard’s eyes.

“It won’t ever happen again,” Leonard cupped Jim’s face in his hands. “ _No one_ will ever hurt you like that again, darlin’.”

“Promise me, Bones,” Jim pressed.

“I promise, I promise a thousand times over.”

“I still love you.”

A lump formed in Leonard’s throat, he hadn’t realized how badly he need to hear that. He didn’t feel like he deserved it. Didn’t know how Jim was strong enough to say it after all that had transpired.

“Say it back,” Jim said, a tinge of panic creeping into his voice.

  
“I love you, Jim. I will always love you.”

Still holding his face, he leaned in to kiss Jim. Softly, testing. Jim kissed him back without waiting. His lips just as soft and inviting as they’d always been, moving determinately against his own. It would be enough, Leonard told himself. If Jim could still love him, they could get through it. Leonard would do anything to fix what he’d done. _Anything_ , as long as they made it.

**Author's Note:**

> This was written from a place of total loss of control. I was dealing with a lot (Update: doing much, much better now). I found writing it to be cathartic, but when I look it back over, it absolutely breaks my heart, for Jim of course, but also Leonard. I just fucking love these two.  
> If you got something out of this, I'd love to hear from you in the comments, or just like...tell me I'm not a monster. That'd be great.


End file.
